Whaaa? I Cant Heeeear Yoooouu! The Storm is Still Ringing In My Eaaars!

Boy oh boy...I tell you there is nothing more invigorating than a major storm or two to cool you off during a hot summer in Little Havana....

I dont have a pool so when these storms come through and flood out our streets, swamp our homes and ruin our lawn tools, its quite a relief!

We get to go rafting down the middle of suburban streets with our Cuban neighbors who just never seem to get over the thrill of a good raft ride...



We get to cool off in that swampy brackish sewer water, floating turds and all, and get an organic sauna with slimy organic hair conditioner, and god knows how healthy this is for your skin!
It's all good man!....I dont even have to mow my lawn anymore since all of my yard tools are filled with rust and slime.

This is the stuff of real men! Pirates! Haaaaar! I can smell the sweet smell of sweat and feces and urine and it makes a man proud to be a man!

Im going to miss it though when I move my scrawny little ass to Nevada or Arizona next year where I can sit on my porch in the dessert, spit tobacco and shoot rattlesnakes in my front yard while I clean my gun.

Yessir...Doc Hormone and Judge Roy Bean on the porch together...sharing stories of White Mud, The Incredible Mowhawk Brothers, and life in the surreal settings of 2005...

Ya know, I spoke with my old friend Quentin Tarrentino the other day and he wants to produce the story of how George Bush almost destroyed the White Mud Reunion Show, by obtaining secret plans to change the weather from the Japanese mafia...and using these plans to engineer the Hurricanes to swamp my house and damage the levees of New Orleans to destroy only the black section of the city...

It's gonna be on HBO next year....Im hoping that my royalties will help buy an iron lung for my old dog Cody who suffered a lot of lung damage while barking at the hurricanes all night outside in the rain....

I tried...Lord knows I tried to get him to come in the house, but he just felt it was his domestic duty to fend off these storms by barking them away...




He even left a few land mines out on the deck to threaten the storms but unfortuneately, they were washed away before they could do any significant damage to the storm.
I have concluded that these storms behave similar to any other storm except that they are much bigger and meaner....

If you wash your car, it will rain....if you clean up your yard after a hurricane, before the mean season is over....another will come and you will do it all over again....

Hurricane Rule #1: Never ever ever ever...clean your yard after a hurricane hits. Another will come right behind it, and you will be caught in that eternal mode of rearranging the deck chairs of the Titanic.

Instead, leave all of the crap out there at least through the remainder of the season. In fact, I have invited my neighbors to dump their trash on my lawn, and I have requested the county to leave it there until December as camoflague.

I figure that the next hurricane will look down out of its ugly one eye, and see my wrecked home...and skip over it, sort of like the Angel of Death during the plagues of Egypt during the first "Passover"

I have written to the Directors of the National Hurricane Center and NOAA with several rather creative ideas to defend against hurricanes.
Here are just a few:

1) Before a major storm, paint your entire house bright red! All of it! Windows, lawn, trees, roof, walls. The storm will not recognize the structure as a dwelling for us lowly bugs with beepers, and will pass over...With all the rain and wind, your house will look like a little apple or cherry from the eye and the storm may disregard it.
It worked for Clint Eastwood in that movie where he painted the entire town red...He won! Why cant we?

2) Set up fake cities for the hurricanes to attack. We could employ the looters from the previous years storms into forced labor camps to stay and build Hollywood type facades of towns that would serve as decoys for these storms which are just violent in nature and want to break something worthwhile.

We would build these fake towns in areas where no real people live, and let the storms be fooled into spending their energy into wrecking a decoy. While most hurricanes are mean, they are dumb and are easily fooled!

3) Fill the coastal waters of Africa with ice each summer so that the storms cannot develop. If we haul a few icebergs up from Antartica or from the Northern Sea, we coud cool down the waters enough to abort Mother Natures Children from Hell. If it doesnt work, at least we could make a hell of a Slurpy!

4) Fill the Caribbean and the Guf of Mexico with jello or sludge from the oil rigs, so that the water is so heavy that the storm cannot pick up the water. it would be a major cleanup, but at least it would be away from the inhabited sections of the planet.

Or, option B: Drain the Gulf of Mexico each year, (yes another major daunting task but still better than what we have now) by drilling a hole to China whom we never really liked anyhow. Let the water drain all te way to China and then shut the valve. As the hurricane passes, and the world turns, open the valve again so that the water drains back through the center of the earth and back into the Gulf of Mexico again. Big job i know, but what are the options?

Im on this! In working with the National Security officials to develop one of these plans and Ill keep you all posted. At least im thinking...Not clearly...but...